Sometimes we want to have sex, but, understandably, we might not want to wait until we’re in a relationship for that to happen. In theory, we should be able to sleep with someone without it needing to be complicated by getting to know them too much( or at all ), or by wish more, or feeling proprietory. It shouldn’t has contributed to us catching feelings, whether it’s falling for the person or persons or feeling anything unwanted.
And in theory, if we set the parameters, say, with an ex or friend, we should be able to sleep with someone we’ve already slept with or with whom we feel comfy.
Rather than stranger possibility or stranger awkwardness, we can sleep with someone who might not make a great partner but at least they scratch the itchines and know their way around our body. Or, we think we know our friend well enough to move bumping body parts a compartmentalized accomplishment that doesn’t interfere with the friendship.
Now, sometimes these theories about” exactly gender” pan off.
But us humans have a habit of cultivating everything out in our chiefs where we’re fully in control all while hushing pertinent info like our planneds, motivatings, true nature, or the facts of the case that the other person is a separate human being outside our control. Next thing, we’re in reality knowledge embarrassing and painful feelings and thoughts about the casual sex situation.
So, what’s going on? Why are we feeling icky, hurt, repudiated, exploited, hopeful for such relationships, competitive, peeved and the like about someone we said this is the only way demanded in a casual sex capacity? Why are we catching feelings?
The thing about requiring person “just for sex” is that it’s likely to go one of two ways:
1) You end up squandering person as instruments to an boundary to satisfy what you read as a need for sexual connection. Or 2) you be brought to an end working person as instruments to an extremity to thrill what you believe is a need for sex, but it turns out it’s something else. And so you feel exercised and/ or hurt because you’re not going what the hell are you genuinely need.
Now, when the need you’re engagement is just sex( assure what I did there ?), so you’re aware of your planneds and actions, you tend to be fine. It too means that you tend to be emotionally responsible, so you know your limits and don’t exploit yourself or others. I say ” incline” because I’m working off the assumption that you have a conscience. Some beings are aware that they’re using someone and they don’t care about it and they’re reckless and manipulative.
Our awareness of our intentions is relative to where we were at that time and our general self-awareness and self-care. Sometimes we kid ourselves.
For instance, it fascinates me when someone who rejects themselves 99.9% of the time also insists that they were super aware of their aims and preferences in a particular moment.
It’s also safe to say that your awareness and planneds can shift. You can start out “just for sex” and get caught up. Or, you can start out “just for sex” and become aware of other needs but still continue. It’s scope creep: you’re trying to apply a casual sex situation to more-than-sex needs and expectancies. Cue resentment and resentment caused by trying to use a informal relationship as backdoor entry to a relationship.
But let’s say you were still in that self-aware and emotionally responsible place once you realised that you had greater needs than” simply fornication “. What would happen then?
Well, you’d opt out. Or, you’d have what might be an awkward but necessary dialogue. This road, you don’t exploit yourself( or them ), but likewise, the other person doesn’t get to exploit your silence or stagnation. You both get to take your next steps from an emotionally responsible home. Or, at least you do. They might not help or want to think too deep. And that’s their prerogative, but you simply find out that info by check things honest and unequivocal from your tip.
Remember, if its own position deepens, whether it’s demand more or less, then a mutual agreement is no longer that. In informal affairs, it’s easy to argue the speciman for not communicating your genuine plight. Why endanger the fornication and tending, after all? Doesn’t communication induce something that’s supposed to be “casual” more serious? But if you don’t speak up, you’re advancing your self-interest while professing that it’s mutual and likely rationalising that the other person is a ” grown-up” who” knew what they were getting into “.
Of trend, sometimes the reason why you’re feeling all sorts of ways about casual sex is that you used it to meet non-sex-related needs.
This isn’t bizarre. Humen do this all.the.time. We use coin, fabric things, menu, booze, narcotics, social media, mustering notice, people-pleasing and mostly ev-er-y-thing to meet feelings needs.
You might feel lonely, birthed or angry, and copulation provides as instant gratification. And then you feel’ hungry’ again. It could be that you want connection and friendship, but haven’t acknowledged this. Instead, you slammed an’ I want fornication’ label on it. Hell, you may have wanted validation that your ex hadn’t forgotten you or needed to prove that you were a’ winner ‘, not a’ loser ‘. These sorts of unchecked reputing is where the ego takes the wheel and drives you to a shitty one of the purposes of psychological municipality.
Let’s say it’s casual sex with a friend. It’s all too easy in a apparently friends-with-benefits situ to assume that because they’re your friend, they’ll handle you with care. On some rank, you may have hoped that combining sex with affection would assemble a number of needs without it being an ” official ” affair.
And sometimes, actually, you do want” time fornication” but you might feel as if you should want more.
In a macrocosm where we’ve been conditioned to feel a position of pity about our organizations, gender and sexuality, saying we want a relationship can originate us feel more’ palatable’. It becomes shorthand for” Look, I’m OK “. Side observe: you already are and were.
Sometimes, though, our unwanted feelings about the casual sex we thought we were so in control of is pride and competition. It’s realising that the person isn’t biting your hand off to date you or realize things official. It’s like, Whoa, wait up a second! I know I’m utilizing you for copulation, but how come you’re using me ? Do you think I’m not good enough? And, shazam, people-pleaser mode initiated. You lose sight of your needs now that you’re seemingly well understood( and reviled by) theirs. So, yeah, ego.
Whatever unwanted feelings you’re experiencing about a casual sex situation, it’s because of hidden intentions and needs.
That’s not to say that people can’t get together just for sex( clearly, a lot of beings do ), but ulterior motives and the misconception that you’re both doing something ” reciprocal ” when you’re not, often lead to pain, guilt and misunderstands.
If you’re experiencing unwanted and uncomfortable feelings about casual sex, it’s not a bad thing. Catching feelings is your body’s way of helping you to better meet your needs by making use of you aware of your borderlines. Your predictions about how this casual sex situation are now working were a hypothesis. Use the data. It may well be that casual sex isn’t the thing for you. But it could be about who you’re having sex with or how you’re treating yourself. In the end , no matter the situation, you always deserve better than considering your feelings and needs casually.
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